Seesaws and Wedged Between a Rock and a Hard Place

This week I am both starting my new job and am finishing up at my old job. Straddling both worlds is confusing, and my uneasiness is leading to brain jumble. I need to triple check everything I type because my mind keeps wandering. It's too full and crowded in here.

In the interest of taking better control of my finances, earlier today, I looked up each of my credit card balances so I could try to work up a strict budget. Unfortunately I realized that since I have no clue when I am going to get paid at my new job I don't think I can pay all of my bills without dipping into my (not so rotund) savings account. This fact got me blue.

But then as I went on working I started to appreciate the fact that it is a truly a beautiful day outside. We had the doors open today at the office and I could hear the wind blow and the birds chirp. I could see a sunbeam shining on the carpet. All began to feel right with the world and I realized that somehow everything will be all right.

Then my mother called me at work to ask if she could borrow $500.00 so the power wouldn't be turned off today at 5:00. Oy Bleeping Vey! Happy, fuzzy thoughts gone. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I live over my parents and they don't charge me a set amount for rent and I don't have to pay too much for utilities. I just give what I can each month and pay for groceries. I realize this is essentially a golden situation. Problem is my parents are a step and a half away from bankruptcy and my dad's pay, my mom's disability, and their combined social security does not stretch too far in the current climate when you add in their previous debt. Try though I may, I can't get them to stick to a strict budget. My father promises to take care of the situation, makes a few calls, then never quite follows through all of the way. This is nerve wracking. Asides from owing them life I also owe them for my living situation, but it is hard not feeling bitter every now and then. If they didn't need to always borrow money from me (we're up to a few thousand dollars by now) I could be more financially secure. I dread using my savings account below a certain amount because what if they need the money and I don't have it to give them?

Like I said, Oy Bleeping Vey!

First Day Down

I started my new job today and I was too nervous to sleep last night, so after eight hours in a classroom man, I'm tired! The kids are cute, the school seems nice, and tomorrow we're going on a field trip to a farm. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'm going to be a good fit.

Leap!

Spontaneity continued to pay off this week. On a whim I applied for a preschool aide job on CareerBuilder.com late Saturday night, and by Tuesday at 5pm, I had the job. Change terrifies me, but I've decided that it is time to move forward in life. It is time for me to learn how to leap willingly.

Leaping willingly has always been a challenge for me, sometimes literally. Somewhere there exists a very embarrassing video in which my family and our friends spend 15 minutes trying to convince me to jump off of a cliff into the creek below. Eventually I sucked up my courage and took the plunge (and lived to tell), but during those 15 minutes I stood paralyzed on the edge, convinced I couldn't jump out far enough to avoid hitting the rocks below. I need to realize now that I won't hit the "rocks" and that I can try something new without feeling weighed down with dread.

I'm going to go leap into packing for Florida, and them I'm going to go dive back into the ADRC copy of the Momofuku Milk Bar that I got from Netgalley.com. I will be back sometime around the first of September with a review and hopefully not to many pounds gained back thanks to recipe experimenting.

Spontenaity

I am not a spontaneous person, but last night I made a spontaneous decision to go to Florida next week. You see my best friend's birthday is coming up, and he has been going through a warp speed tunnel of rapid upheaval lately. While we were on the phone last night he mentioned that he was going to be all alone on his birthday. :(

Nobody should be alone on their birthday, let alone this friend who has picked me up when I've been down more times than I can count, so I quickly decided to high jack his birthday. I'm flying into Tampa then kidnapping him for two days and taking him to Disney World. We are going to spend his birthday at The Magic Kingdom and we're going to eat birthday dinner with Pooh, Piglet, Eeyore, and Tigger.

This is totally not the most fiscally responsible choice I have ever made, but I keep reminding myself how happy this trip is going to make the both of us. The good karma points will hopefully outweigh the credit card finance charges and hopefully my friend won't mind me telling you all about this ... or the fact that I'm sharing this picture!!

Love at First Read

In honor of the tenth anniversary of the release of Megan McCafferty's Sloppy Firsts I proudly present the (pretty much chronological) list of Fictional Men Who Have Stolen My Heart: The Literary Edition

Almanzo Wilder (The Little House series)- Almanzo's way with horses and his ox team appealed to my 6 year old heart. As I got older it was his kindness and ruggedness that won me over even more.

Gilbert Blythe (Anne of Green Gables series)- Oh Gilbert, even at the age of 7 I understood your devotion to Anne and I knew it would pay off in the end! Full disclosure I still think that Anne of the Island is one of the most romantic and heartwrenching books of all time. I've read my way through three separate copies. Because I saw the Sullivan Film's version of Anne of Green Gables right around the same time I first started reading the books Gilbert will always look like this in my mind:

Image thanks to Google image search and astarinabox.xanga.com

Calvin O'Keefe (Wrinkle in Time - Swoon. He's smart, he's caring, he's vulnerable. He likes Meg for exactly who she is and he tells her she has dreamboat eyes. Who could ask for more? Though I think Gregory Smith is absolutely 100% attractive he was no Calvin O' Keefe! In my mind that honor always goes to a young Eric Stoltz.

Marcus Flutie (Sloppy Firsts - Marcus Flutie, winning girl's hearts over for ten years now, so that every single one of them is looking for her Marcus Flutie in real life. I'm not sure he can exist in real life, but if I met a guy who had 2/10ths of Marcus' raw appeal I would try my damndest to make him mine.

Simon Lewis (Mortal Instruments series)-So I have a thing for guys who suffer from unrequited love, so sue me ... especially when they also like music and are sarcastically funny. Funny enough, when I fist started reading this series as soon as I read Simon I pictured him as being Jamie Andrews from Instant Star. Together these characters are my ideal guy, and it seems I wasn't alone in thinking Kristopher Turner as Jamie would make a damn good Simon! If you Google image search "Simon Mortal Instruments" most of the pictures that come back are of Kristopher Turner. See?
Image from Google image Search

Eric Northman (Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Books)- Team Bill whatever! From Book 1 I have been a Viking Vampire Girl! It goes beyond the Viking hotness though, I swear. From his very first appearance I feel that Eric has always genuinely understood Sookie better. The hotness is just an added bonus ;).

Run Don't Walk

Please take my word for it and run, don't walk, to go see Crazy, Stupid Love! It is one of the best movies I have seen in the last two years. It was refreshing to see that a smart and witty romantic comedy could exist in this world.

What if?

Background fact #1 - I am morbidly obese and have been zooming up the weight mountain since I was 5.

Background fact #2 - I joined Weight Watchers Online a month and a half ago and I have lost 13 pounds so far, but I have started to lose my way over the last two weeks because it is all starting to feel unbeatable.

I spent most of Thursday in Doctor appointments for two different ongoing issues. These appointments continue to be inconclusive, and now I require expensive tests that I truly can't afford. God I miss heath insurance! Hopefully these tests will bring answers and not just additonal debt. The first issue is an internal one and honestly, even though it's really important, I'm not that worried about it right now. Unfortunately the other issue involves monster amounts of pain and severely effects my mobility, and in turn my future. This issue has been going on, off and on for six years and it has already cost me one job. While trying to process this new information I was left last night wondering "What if" a lot?

Right now I'm supposed to be on bed rest in order to give my tendons time to heal. Right now I'm also supposed to be trying to find a teaching aide position because this problem is supposed to be solved by now. These two don't jive because right now I have no clue if I'll be able to move around because, in addition to the whole bed rest things, the results of one of those tests may land me in a cast for who knows how long. What if I can never get my tendons back to the state where I can be on my feet all day teaching? What if I finally found what I'm meant to do only to physically not be able to do it? What if I'm now $60,000 dollars in student loan debt and can never find a full time job that pays me a living wage?

These are the thouhts that keep me awake at night. Some additional thoughts include:

What would life be like if I had taken control of my weight and life before it became a huge issue? What kind of person would I be instead? Would I be more confident? Would I be married with children? Would I have a better support system around me?

One of my favorite TV shows is a Canadian show called Being Erica. In the first Season the main character, Erica Strange, is in her early 30s and she is lost and full of regrets. She meets Dr. Tom, a therapist who has the ability to send Erica back to each of her regrets. Each episode she gets a Do-over. This idea fascinates me. I've got a shitload of regrets. Most days it feels like my life is one big regret. Instead of being equipped with the life skills to conquer my past and build a better future I am my own worst enemy. I just find myself wondering "What if"?

Who Knew?

Who knew that a paper shredder could be so zen, and that $54.97 could bring total enlightenment?

I live in a house that is 2 and a half steps away from being on an episode of Hoarders. My entire family are pack rats. In the interest of actually being able to use the entire four rooms that comprise my upstairs apartment I have been working on decluttering. Yesterday I bought a power paper shredder because I realized that my hand crank shredder, while eco friendly, was no match for the mountain chain ( yes, more than one mountain) of paper that needs to be shredded... Seriously its like the size of the Smokey mountain, Alps, and Adirondacks combined. There are documents in this house that predate my birth. After the first shredding I was hooked. Sure the machine is noisy, but the action is also extremely soothing. I actually can't wait to spend all of Friday shredding. I crave the catharsis. The only question now though, is where in Monmouth County can I dispose of all of the shreds?

Thanks to Walmart.com for the image