What if?

Background fact #1 - I am morbidly obese and have been zooming up the weight mountain since I was 5.

Background fact #2 - I joined Weight Watchers Online a month and a half ago and I have lost 13 pounds so far, but I have started to lose my way over the last two weeks because it is all starting to feel unbeatable.

I spent most of Thursday in Doctor appointments for two different ongoing issues. These appointments continue to be inconclusive, and now I require expensive tests that I truly can't afford. God I miss heath insurance! Hopefully these tests will bring answers and not just additonal debt. The first issue is an internal one and honestly, even though it's really important, I'm not that worried about it right now. Unfortunately the other issue involves monster amounts of pain and severely effects my mobility, and in turn my future. This issue has been going on, off and on for six years and it has already cost me one job. While trying to process this new information I was left last night wondering "What if" a lot?

Right now I'm supposed to be on bed rest in order to give my tendons time to heal. Right now I'm also supposed to be trying to find a teaching aide position because this problem is supposed to be solved by now. These two don't jive because right now I have no clue if I'll be able to move around because, in addition to the whole bed rest things, the results of one of those tests may land me in a cast for who knows how long. What if I can never get my tendons back to the state where I can be on my feet all day teaching? What if I finally found what I'm meant to do only to physically not be able to do it? What if I'm now $60,000 dollars in student loan debt and can never find a full time job that pays me a living wage?

These are the thouhts that keep me awake at night. Some additional thoughts include:

What would life be like if I had taken control of my weight and life before it became a huge issue? What kind of person would I be instead? Would I be more confident? Would I be married with children? Would I have a better support system around me?

One of my favorite TV shows is a Canadian show called Being Erica. In the first Season the main character, Erica Strange, is in her early 30s and she is lost and full of regrets. She meets Dr. Tom, a therapist who has the ability to send Erica back to each of her regrets. Each episode she gets a Do-over. This idea fascinates me. I've got a shitload of regrets. Most days it feels like my life is one big regret. Instead of being equipped with the life skills to conquer my past and build a better future I am my own worst enemy. I just find myself wondering "What if"?