Taking Stock

Dear Universe,

Contrary to popular belief I do not live under a rock. The fact that 2011 is rapidly drawing to a close and that 2012 is peeking out from around the corner has not escaped my attention. I considered, for a wee bit, trying to live in denial because there were still a few old resolutions that I had not yet fulfilled, but that approach wasn’t successful when I turned 30, so I doubt that it would work now. Instead of dwelling on what I have not accomplished, I decided this morning to be positive (for once) and think about what I did achieve this year.

In 2011 I not only got my Master’s Degree while working two jobs and dealing with some serious family issues, but I managed to do so with a 4.0 grade point average. At the time I kept thinking that this was no big deal, but you know what?  I’ve decided that this is indeed something to be proud of. It was hard work and I really put my nose to the grindstone … even though at the time I was never sure whether or not it would all be worth it in the end.

Turns out it was. Not only did I get the degree, but I actually managed to find a job in that field within four months of graduating. That’s not easy to do in this economy. Sure I have student loan debt that could rival the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro and I picked a field that really doesn’t pay well, but I’ve discovered I’m really good at what I do. This is a nice change after my pride was squashed by my former job. It takes baby steps and I’m considering 2012 my rebuilding year. If sports teams can do it why can’t I?

The next block I have to tackle is the big one. It is the block that is holding me back from achieving every other thing I want out of life. I am almost (gulp) 32 and I can’t drive. Don’t get me wrong I actually possess a driver’s license and have since I was seventeen, but a trained monkey can get a license in New Jersey. You take your test on a course … there’s no real road time involved. I don’t live in a big city so there aren’t super mass transit options. I need to depend on other people to get anywhere and that really isn’t cool.

Problem is I have a driving phobia that is so severe it leads to panic attacks. I’ve always been terrified of driving. I remember having nightmares that started when I was 6 or 7, in which my mother would leave my brother and I alone in the running car (something that never happened) and something would happen where I would need to drive the car in order to get us out of the way of danger. The dreams never ended with us being safe, instead they mostly ended up in fiery crashes. Fun, eh?

Last summer I took behind the wheel with an actual driving instructor and all that happened was I ended up $400.00 poorer after experiencing three hour blocks of heart palpitations. I don’t know what else to try, but I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to blow past my fear of hurting myself and/or others and take the car by the wheel, so to speak. This has to be the year or I’m never actually going to be able to move forward.